Rabbi Allen Freehling, University Synagogue, Los Angeles

More times than not, we put emphasis on the person who is being taken care of and I believe we need to pay a tremendous amount of attention to the well-being of the caregiver. I see many people who are taking care of spouses and significant others, parents, etc., who are literally burning out simply because there's not sufficient support system for them. And they don't know how to get relief. They get to the point where they are conflicted, where they don't know if they want that loved one to live or die cause they are so desperate for something to happen which relieves them of the burden that's on their shoulders.

"We should talk about how we can motivate the people within communities to be more caring"

I'll give you an example in my own life. In 1999 as a result of a freak accident, I broke my hip, and, as a result of some complications, I was in the hospital for 25 days. There was this constant barrage of telephone calls to my home in which my wife was asked always how is Alan, what can we do for Alan, and no one ever said to her in those 25 days, what can we do for you? We should talk about how we can motivate the people within communities to be more caring, especially in our faith communities, our churches, synagogues and mosques and the like. We could carefully train people almost as paramedics, if you will, in terms of the psychological and the physical realities so that there are people who then with time volunteer to be surrogate caregivers to relieve for some period of time the actually caregiver.

There is also the issue of family finances. Very often, spouses do not talk about where things are financially and certainly adult children are not necessarily privy to the resources and the natural arrangements that their parents have. Spouses may not have written wills or be fully aware of all of the shared assets. Caregivers, even if they are children, know even less about the family finances without having to jump over a number of very high challenging hurdles. At times when I find myself giving advice, I try to put the caregiver in touch with the family's accountant and attorney.

"Caregiving really is not limited to any age group or any set of circumstances"

In the torah portion of a recent service, there were four reminders that when your brother and sister are in need, you have no option other than to respond. Now in the Torah when something is repeated, it's very important. When it is repeated four times, its VERY important so I think this was the ancient Hebrew's way of saying you can't duck your responsibilities.

I'm bothered by too much emphasis on aging and not enough attention on other situations of caregiving beginning with the child who is born with all kinds of problems. Caregiving really is not limited to any age group or any set of circumstances. And I believe that we need to show that we have a concern about all caregivers and not just the sandwich of part of the community.

Issues that Matter | Caregiving Professionals Forum