Alicia Franco, CareGiver

Santa Barbara, California

I was looking for a place that would make me feel better about leaving my dad, like if it were my home, a place where I would have him. I wanted a care there for him, and I wanted some body who understood Alzheimer's. There are a lot of places for seniors, but not a lot of places for people with Alzheimer's. They have special needs and they can't just be put in with just anybody else. My dad had special needs. He had an illness that went in phases.

(Cries) It wasn't easy; it was very hard. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I love my dad and I felt that I shouldn't abandon him. I didn't want to do it but I knew I had to. I had to do it for my mother's health, for my health. I went out searching for a replacement of our home and our family for him. It's very difficult, and unless you have to go through it or you know what it's about, you can't understand. The heartbreak it brings, it's terrible, terrible, terrible.

I looked at 14, 15, I lost count after a while ... Heartbreak, doubts if I'm doing the right thing. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't want to do it. There are so many things that you have to deal with. It isn't just his Alzheimer's, it's the decisions that you have to make, all the other people involved. I felt like a traitor, like he took care of me all his life and now I couldn't take care of him.

It's heartbreaking to see a man who's strong, proud, private deteriorate, and you're treating him like a little kid. You make decisions for him and you think: "Is this what he would do for me if I needed hi help?" Looking for the right place seems like it's never going to happen, you're never going to make it.

I was exhausted. I wasn't getting any sleep. At night you think about everything you have to do. You're so tired. You get up in the middle of the night 'cause something's happening at mom and dad's and you have to go and check it out. You go over there and try and settle the problems. You try to get him to sleep.

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